[BELLS TOLLING]
.
MANHATTAN...
NEW YORK...
U.S.A.
IN ANY DISCUSSION OF CONTEMPORARY AMERICA
AND HOW ITS PEOPLE LIVE,
WE MUST INEVITABLY START WITH MANHATTAN,
NEW YORK CITY, U.S.A.
MANHATTAN--
GLISTENING MODERN GIANT OF CONCRETE AND STEEL,
REACHING TO THE HEAVENS
AND CRADLING IN ITS ARMS 7 MILLIONS...
HAPPY BENEFICIARIES OF THE ADVANTAGES AND COMFORTS
THIS GREAT METROPOLIS HAS TO OFFER.
ITS FINE, WIDE BOULEVARDS FACILITATE
THE NEW YORKER'S CAREFREE, ORDERLY EXISTENCE.
[HORNS HONK]
[HONK] [HONK]
A TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM SECOND TO NONE
IN PASSENGER COMFORT.
QUAINT LITTLE SIDEWALK CAFES
MAKE FOR LEISURELY, GRACIOUS LIVING.
FOR ITS NATURE LOVERS,
THE PEACE AND PRIVACY OF A DAY IN THE SUN.
THE CITY OFFERS DELIGHTFUL CHANGES IN CLIMATE.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT ALL THIS HAS TO DO
WITH MR. BLANDINGS AND HIS DREAM HOUSE.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
JIM BLANDINGS IS PART OF THE FABRIC OF THIS TOWN.
BORN AND RAISED RIGHT HERE,
HE'S AS TYPICAL A NEW YORKER AS ANYONE YOU'LL EVER MEET...
AT LEAST HE WAS.
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REAL STORY,
I GUESS I'M YOUR BOY.
MY NAME'S COLE, BILL COLE.
I'M JIM'S LAWYER AND QUOTE "BEST FRIEND" UNQUOTE.
JIM'S ONE OF THOSE BRIGHT YOUNG FELLAS
YOU SEE AROUND TOWN.
COLLEGE GRADUATE, ADVERTISING BUSINESS,
LOVELY WIFE, TWO FINE KIDS, MAKES ABOUT 15,000 A YEAR.
JIM AND MURIEL BLANDINGS ARE JUST LIKE
THOUSANDS OF OTHER NEW YORKERS--
MODERN CLIFF DWELLERS.
THE MORNING IT ALL STARTED
WAS JUST ANOTHER OF THOSE CRISP SEPTEMBER MORNINGS.
AND THE BLANDINGS WERE STILL ASLEEP.
[ALARM CLOCK BUZZING]
[TURNS ALARM OFF]
[TURNS ALARM ON]
[BUZZING]
[TURNS ALARM OFF]
[TURNS ALARM ON]
MM...
[MUTTERING]
YES, YES.
[TURNS ALARM OFF]
[BUMPS HEAD] OH.
[WATER RUNNING]
BETSY.
OK, DAD.
JOAN.
OK, DAD.
[CHIRPING]
GOOD MORNING, THEODORE.
GOOD MORNING, MR. BLANDINGS.
GOOD MORNING, GUSSIE.
MM. THANK YOU.
HMM.
MM?
THANK YOU.
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?
MY SOCKS.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER?
THAT'S WHERE I FOUND MY UNDERWEAR.
OH.
WELL, TRY YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I AM IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
WELL, THEY MUST BE SOMEWHERE.
SOCKS DON'T JUST GET UP AND WALK AWAY
BY THEMSELVES.
MURIEL, I THOUGHT WE HAD IT CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD
THAT THESE 2... 2 1/2 TOP DRAWERS WERE MINE.
I THOUGHT--WHY D--
OH...
THE CLOSET.
THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE.
WE PUT THEM IN THE CLOSET.
PUT WHAT IN THE CLOSET?
YOUR SOCKS. THERE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE ENOUGH ROOM
IN THE DRAWERS--
OH, AND THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT IN THE CLOSET.
SO GUSSIE AND I DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON,
WE'D KEEP THEM IN A BASKET ON THE SHELF.
BASKET.
HMM...
THIS...
JIM, DEAR,
I DO WISH YOU'D TRY
TO MAKE A LITTLE EFFORT.
I'LL TRY, DEAR.
OH.
[BOXES FALL]
AAAH!
FATHER, JUST ONE MORNING, I WISH YOU'D KNOCK!
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
[STEPS ON SCALE]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[HUMMING]
[BOTTLES CLANK IN WASTEBASKET]
? [LOUD AND ECHOING] %% HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE ?
%% WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY %%
%% WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD %%
%% A DISCOURAGING WORD %%
[SHOWER RUNNING]
Muriel: %% HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE %%
%% WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY %%
WASHCLOTH, DEAR!
THANK YOU.
%% WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD %%
%% A DISCOURAGING WORD %%
%% AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY %%
TOWEL, DEAR!
[FAUCET RUNNING, BRUSHING TEETH]
IF YOU DON'T MIND, DEAR.
ONE MOMENT.
AH--
TAKE YOUR TIME. I CAN SPARE THE BLOOD.
DID YOU CUT YOURSELF?
I CUT MYSELF EVERY MORNING.
I KIND OF LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
WHY DON'T YOU USE AN ELECTRIC RAZOR?
CAN'T GET USED TO THEM.
OH, THAT'S SILLY.
BILL COLE'S BEEN USING ONE FOR YEARS.
HE HASN'T GOT MY BEARD.
OH...BILL'S BEARD IS JUST AS COARSE--
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING
THE GRAIN AND TEXTURE OF BILL COLE'S HAIR FOLLICLES
BEFORE I'VE HAD MY BREAKFAST.
ALL I SAID WAS,
WHY DON'T YOU USE AN ELECTRIC RAZOR?
BECAUSE I PREFER THE CLEAN SWEEP OF THE TEMPERED STEEL
AS IT GLIDES--
NO ADVERTISING COPY, PLEASE.
AND HURRY UP.
YOU'LL BE LATE FOR BREAKFAST.
SURE.
[BIRD TRILLING]
WHO DID IT?
YES?
I DID.
HAVEN'T I REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU
NOT TO CUT UP THE MORNING PAPER
UNTIL I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT IT?
I'M SORRY, FATHER.
IT'S NECESSARY RESEARCH.
WHAT'S THAT? ANOTHER OF MISS STELLWAGON'S
SO-CALLED PROGRESSIVE PROJECTS?
COMING THROUGH, THEODORE.
[CHIRPING]
SAY, DOES THEODORE HAVE TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH US?
CAN'T YOU TAKE HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM?
DEAR, THERE JUST ISN'T ANY POINT
IN SENDING YOUR CHILDREN TO AN EXPENSIVE SCHOOL
IF YOU'RE GOING TO UNDERMINE THE TEACHER'S AUTHORITY
IN YOUR OWN DINING ROOM.
I'M NOT UNDERMINING ANYTHING.
I'M IN THE ADVERTISING BUSINESS,
AND KEEPING ABREAST OF THE TIMES
IS IMPORTANT TO ME.
SO IS YOUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION.
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
IT CERTAINLY IS.
NOT.
BICKER, BICKER, BICKER.
YOU DRINK YOUR MILK.
JOAN, EVERY TIME YOUR FATHER AND I
HAVE A LIVELY DISCUSSION,
WE AREN'T NECESSARILY BICKERING.
WHAT IS IT, BETSY,
ANOTHER ENGLISH COMPOSITION?
MISS STELLWAGON HAS ASSIGNED EACH OF US
TO TAKE A CLASSIFIED AD
AND WRITE A HUMAN INTEREST THEME ABOUT IT.
I FOUND ONE TYPICAL OF THE DISINTEGRATION
OF OUR PRESENT SOCIETY.
I WASN'T AWARE OF THE FACT
OUR SOCIETY WAS DISINTEGRATING.
I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE, FATHER.
MISS STELLWAGON SAYS
THAT MIDDLE-CLASS PEOPLE LIKE US
ARE ALL TOO PRONE TO OVERLOOK--
MURIEL, I KNOW THIS IS ASKING A LOT,
BUT JUST ONE MORNING I WOULD LIKE TO SIT DOWN
AND HAVE BREAKFAST WITHOUT SOCIAL SIGNIFICANCE.
JIM, YOU REALLY MUST TAKE MORE INTEREST
IN YOUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION.
CAN'T SQUEEZE BLOOD FROM A TURNIP.
ALL RIGHT. I LISTEN.
SHOOT.
IT'S JUST 16 WORDS.
I'M GOING TO CALL IT,
"A MINOR TRAGEDY OF OUR TIMES."
WELL?
"FORCED TO SELL. FARM DWELLING.
"ORIGINAL BEAMS.
"BARN, APPLE ORCHARD, TROUT STREAM,
"SECLUSION, SUPERB VIEW...
WILL SACRIFICE."
GO ON.
THAT'S ALL.
THAT'S ALL?
YOU DON'T SEE IT, DO YOU, FATHER?
NO. A FELLOW WANTS TO SELL HIS HOUSE,
SO HE PUTS AN AD IN THE PAPER.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO, TAKE IT TO THE UNITED NATIONS?
THERE MUST BE MORE TO IT THAN THAT,
ISN'T THERE, DEAR?
CERTAINLY, MOTHER.
WHAT SOME PEOPLE DON'T SEE
IS THE WHOLE SORDID PICTURE.
A POOR, HONEST FARMER
PUSHED TO THE WALL BY HARDSHIP,
UNTIL FINALLY, IN DESPERATION,
HE'S FORCED TO SELL
AND STOOPS TO THE CRASS COMMERCIALISM
OF NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING.
OH, INDEED. [MUTTERING]
NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING, HMM?
CRASS COMMERCIALISM, HUH?
MISS STELLWAGON SAYS ADVERTISING
IS A BASICALLY PARASITIC PROFESSION.
YOU DON'T SAY?
MISS STELLWAGON SAYS
ADVERTISING MAKES PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD IT
BUY THINGS THEY DON'T WANT
WITH MONEY THEY HAVEN'T GOT.
OH, SHE DOES, DOES SHE?
WELL, PERHAPS YOUR MISS STELLWAGON IS RIGHT.
PERHAPS I SHOULD QUIT
THIS BASICALLY PARASITIC PROFESSION,
WHICH AT THE VERY MOMENT IS PAYING
FOR YOUR FANCY TUITION,
AND THOSE EXTRA FRENCH LESSONS,
AND THAT PROGRESSIVE SUMMER CAMP,
TO SAY NOTHING OF THE VERY BRACES ON YOUR BACK TEETH.
JIM, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DISCUSS MONEY
IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.
WHY NOT? THEY SPEND ENOUGH OF IT.
BICKER, BICKER, BICKER.
GIRLS, GET YOUR THINGS AND RUN ALONG.
YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.
BYE, DADDY.
GIVE MY REGARDS TO MISS STELLWAGON.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
I'LL GET IT!
OH, HELLO. WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!
HELLO, BILL!
BETSY, IS YOUR MOTHER UP?
SHE'S IN THERE.
COME ON, BETSY!
WAIT!
BYE!
MORNING, MURIEL.
GOOD MORNING, BILL.
HELLO, BILL. HIYA, JIM.
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING OUT TO LILLIE AND PAUL'S
FOR THE WEEKEND.
I AM. THEY'RE PICKING ME UP IN A FEW MINUTES.
BUT I THOUGHT I'D BETTER RETURN THESE
IN CASE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT FUNKHAUSER DEAL.
OH, THANKS.
CUP OF COFFEE, BILL?
YEAH, THANKS, I WILL.
GUSSIE.
PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S $2,000, $3,000
OUT OF LINE.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
OF COURSE, YOU COULD SAVE THAT AMOUNT
BY NOT TEARING OUT THE LIVING ROOM WALL.
PLUS, IT'S SORT OF IMPRACTICAL, ANYWAY.
I--I GUESS SO.
HMM? WHAT WALL?
WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO'S FUNKHAUSER?
THANKS, JIM.
UH, BUNNY FUNKHAUSER.
WHO?
YOU REMEMBER BUNNY FUNKHAUSER, DEAR,
THAT CLEVER YOUNG INTERIOR DECORATOR
WE MET AT THE COLLINS' COCKTAIL PARTY.
YOU MEAN THAT YOUNG MAN WITH THE OPEN-TOED SANDALS?
[LAUGHS AND SNORTS]
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
WELL, UH...
YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE'VE SAID
WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT
FIXING UP THIS APARTMENT.
WELL, A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO HE CALLED,
AND I ASKED HIM TO COME OVER,
AND HE HAD SOME SIMPLY WONDERFUL IDEAS.
AND...
I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU
WITH SKETCHES AND ESTIMATES
UNTIL I KNEW WHETHER WE COULD AFFORD IT,
SO I SENT THEM OVER TO BILL.
MM-HMM.
HOW MUCH?
WHAT'S THE POINT IN ASKING HOW MUCH
UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET?
I'VE SEEN BUNNY FUNKHAUSER.
I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO GET.
WELL, PERSONALLY, I THINK HE'S GOT
SOME FAIRLY INTERESTING SKETCHES.
HE'S TERRIBLY CLEVER. LOOK.
HERE'S HOW HE SEES OUR LIVING ROOM.
ISN'T IT CHARMING?
WHAT'S THAT, A SHOESHINE STAND?
IT'S A COBBLER'S BENCH. DEAR.
THE ROOM'S COLONIAL--
BREAKFRONT, HOOKED RUG,
STUDENT LAMP,
PIE COOLER,
AND OVER HERE IS A MARTHA WASHINGTON DESK.
HMM. AND WHERE DO I KEEP MY POWDERED WIG?
I THINK IT'S PERFECT. IT'S US.
BUNNY SAYS WE'RE VERY AMERICAN,
VERY GRASS ROOTS, VERY BLUEBERRY PIE.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. BUNNY SAID IT.
NOW, HERE IN THE HALL--
HOW MUCH IS ALL THIS GOING TO COST?
WELL...
WELL, THE FIGURE ISN'T REALLY ACCURATE
BECAUSE IT INCLUDES--
HOW MUCH?
WELL...$7,000, JIM, BUT--
$7,000?!
WELL, THAT INCLUDES TEARING OUT A WALL.
AND I QUITE AGREE WITH BILL--
OH, YOU DO? YOU'RE SOME LAWYER.
A DEFENSELESS WOMAN WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST CONCEPTION
OF THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR COMES TO YOU FOR ADVICE,
AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'VE GOT HER
TEARING OUT WALLS!
I AM ON RECORD
AS BEING OPPOSED TO TEARING OUT WALLS,
AND SO IS THE WOMAN.
IF YOU'D ONLY LISTEN--
$7,000?!
I WOULDN'T PUT 7 CENTS INTO THIS BROKEN-DOWN RATTRAP!
JIM, HOW CAN YOU TALK THAT WAY?
THIS IS OUR HOME.
BETSY WAS PRACTICALLY BORN IN THIS APARTMENT.
THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT A NATIONAL SHRINE!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHEN I CAME IN HERE THIS MORNING,
I HAD NO INTENTION
OF SENDING YOU TWO TO RENO.
I THOUGHT I WAS DOING YOU A FAVOR.
AND HE WAS.
HE WAS SHOWING YOU HOW YOU COULD SAVE $3,000
BY SIMPLY NOT TEARING OUT A WALL.
I CAN SAVE $7,000 BY NOT DOING ANYTHING AT ALL.
YEAH. YOU CAN SAVE ANOTHER 3,500
BY NOT BUYING HER THAT MINK COAT.
AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE THAT CRUISE
TO THE WEST INDIES--
ALL RIGHT, BILL. ALL RIGHT.
AH. NOT A BAD DAY.
YOU'VE ALREADY SAVED $15,000
AND IT'S NOT EVEN 9:00.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
BYE, JIM.
BYE, DEAR.
HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.
WAIT. I'LL GO DOWN WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
$7,000.
BLUEBERRY PIE.
[HORNS HONKING]
MORNING, MARY.
MORNING.
WHAT'S THAT?
SEEMS WE'RE IN THE MIDST OF A SITUATION.
HMM?
W-H-A-M.
"WHAM, A WHALE OF A HAM."
WHAT'S IT DOING HERE? THAT'S JOHNSON'S HEADACHE.
NOT ANYMORE.
MR. JOHNSON IS NO LONGER WITH US.
MR. JOHNSON LOST THE TOUCH.
AND GUESS WHOSE HEADACHE IT IS NOW.
OH, NO.
OH, YES.
OH, NO.
ON YOUR DESK
YOU WILL FIND A DIRECTIVE FROM THE HIGH COMMAND.
WHAT A MORNING--
BUNNY FUNKHAUSER,
BLUEBERRY PIE, AND WHAM.
HOW'S THAT?
HMM? OH, NOTHING, MARY.
JUST A PRIVATE JOKE BETWEEN ME
AND WHOEVER'S GOING TO BE MY ANALYST.
THEY SENT DOWN SOME OF MR. JOHNSON'S HANDIWORK
BEFORE HE WAS DRUMMED FROM THE CORPS.
JULY--"WHEN YOU'VE GOT THE WHIM, SAY WHAM."
AUGUST, HEALTH AND STREAM--
"FOR A GRAND SLAM IN HAM, TRY WHAM."
I HAVE SOME MORE OVER HERE,
THE BALANCE OF LAST YEAR'S CAMPAIGN.
SEPTEMBER'S THE LITTLE GEM
THAT COST HIM HIS JOB.
JUST A MINUTE.
MARY, WOULD YOU SPEND $7,000
TO TEAR OUT SOMEONE ELSE'S WALLS,
WHEN FOR A FEW THOUSAND MORE,
YOU COULD FIND A NICE OLD PLACE IN CONNECTICUT, FIX IT UP,
AND HAVE THE KIND OF DREAM HOUSE YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED?
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT ALL STARTED.
THE AD WAS ENOUGH TO CONVINCE JIM.
BUT MURIEL WAS A LITTLE TOUGHER.
I GUESS THE CORSAGE DID IT.
THERE THEY ARE,
TWO LITTLE FISH FROM NEW YORK
OUT IN THE DEEP, DEEP WATERS OF CONNECTICUT REAL ESTATE.
THAT'S SMITH, THE REAL ESTATE SALESMAN.
MIGHTY SHREWD COOKIE IN A QUIET SORT OF WAY.
YES, SIR. HE KNOWS A SUCKER--
I MEAN CUSTOMER-- WHEN HE SEES ONE.
HE SEES ONE.
WELL, SMITH, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE FINALLY GOING TO
UNLOAD THE OLD HACKETT PLACE...
THE OLD, VERY OLD HACKETT PLACE.
WELL, FOLKS, THERE SHE IS.
IT'S CHARMING.
UH, THAT IS, FOR AN OLD HOUSE.
OF COURSE, YOU UNDERSTAND, MR. SMITH,
WE'RE JUST WINDOW SHOPPING, SO TO SPEAK.
NOTHING DEFINITE.
OH, PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
NOT A BAD-LOOKING HOUSE,
BUT IT'S A LOT OLDER THAN ANYTHING WE HAD IN MIND.
WELL--HA HA HA-- SHE'S NO SPRING CHICKEN.
THAT'S JUST WHAT MAKES HER SUCH A BUY.
YEP. A MAN'S GOT JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING HE'D NEED HERE--
A NICE BIG HAY BARN...
A COUPLE OF FRUIT ORCHARDS JUST OVER THE HILL...
VIRGIN STAND OAK GROVE
OTHER SIDE OF THE TROUT STREAM THERE.
A TROUT STREAM WILL GIVE YOU
YOUR OWN PURE, CLEAR, COLD MOUNTAIN WATER.
PAVED HIGHWAY RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR.
GROCER FROM TOWN DELIVERS TWICE A WEEK.
EASY COMMUTING DISTANCE--
58 MINUTES FROM NEW YORK CITY.
BRAND-NEW HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD.
YES, SIR, 50 MIGHTY PRETTY LITTLE ACRES.
AH. FINE OLD HOUSE, TOO.
4 FAMILY BEDROOMS, PLENTY OF CLOSET SPACE.
HOWEVER,
IT'S NOT JUST ALL THESE, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE BUYING A PIECE OF AMERICAN HISTORY.
YOU DON'T SAY? HOW'S THAT?
WHY, FIRST YEAR SHE WAS BUILT,
GENERAL GATES STOPPED RIGHT HERE TO WATER HIS HORSES.
AH. OHH.
OLD GENERAL GATES, HUH?
CIVIL WAR.
HUH? REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
OH, THAT GENERAL GATES.
I'M NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, UNDERSTAND.
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT ONE OF THESE DAYS,
SOMEONE WITH A LITTLE IMAGINATION'S
GOING TO COME ALONG
AND JUST STEAL THIS PLACE.
AND I MEAN STEAL IT.
GUESS I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, MRS. BLANDINGS,
WHAT A WOMAN'S TOUCH COULD DO TO A PLACE LIKE THIS.
YES, SIR.
YOU'VE CERTAINLY GOT TO VISUALIZE.
A COUPLE COATS OF PAINT,
A LITTLE POINTING UP HERE AND THERE.
SHALL WE GO UP AND TAKE A LOOK AT HER?
WELL, I SUPPOSE AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE...
I GUESS IT DOESN'T HURT TO TAKE A LOOK.
I'LL JUST SEE IF THE KEYS
ARE UP THERE WHERE I LEFT THEM.
IT DOES HAVE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU THINK WE CAN GET IT?
LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.
NOW, DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
NOW, YOU JUST KEEP QUIET, DEAR,
AND LET ME HANDLE THIS.
TELL ME, SMITH, WHAT KIND OF PRICE
IS THE OWNER ASKING FOR THIS OLD PLACE?
MM-HMM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BILL? A STEAL, HUH?
STEAL'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
SWINDLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE APPROPRIATE.
OH, WELL...[CHUCKLES]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
EVERY TIME YOU GET TIGHT,
YOU WEEP ON MY SHOULDER ABOUT THE ADVERTISING BUSINESS,
HOW IT FORCES A SENSITIVE SOUL LIKE YOURSELF
TO MAKE A LIVING BY BAMBOOZLING THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT A SMALL PART OF THAT VICTIMIZED GROUP
HAS NOW REDRESSED THE BALANCE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU. YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR PANTS ARE OFF.
DARLING, I TOLD YOU,
I SAID WE OUGHT TO CALL BILL.
NOW, MURIEL...
ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS DEAL?
FIRST TIME AROUND,
YOU OFFER $10,000 FOR 50 ACRES, RIGHT?
WHAT OF IT?
THAT'S $200 AN ACRE.
I KNOW THAT PART OF CONNECTICUT.
$100 AN ACRE IS STANDARD TOP-GOUGE PRICE
TO CITY SLICKERS.
WHEN THE NATIVES SELL TO EACH OTHER,
IT'S AROUND 40 OR LESS.
40?!
THE MAN'S ENTITLED TO A FAIR PROFIT.
NOT 284%.
BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT GETTING 50 ACRES,
YOU'RE ONLY GETTING 35, MORE OR LESS.
WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT?
I REFER TO A RATHER OBSCURE POSTSCRIPT
ON THE BACK OF THE SECOND LETTER
FROM FRIEND SMITH.
"INCIDENTALLY, MR. HACKETT HAS BEEN
"A LITTLE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE ACREAGE.
"IT WILL PROBABLY SURVEY SOMEWHERE
"IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF 35 ACRES,
MORE OR LESS."
HMM. ALL RIGHT. SO IT'S 35. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TENNIS COURTS
YOU CAN GET ON 35 ACRES?
YOU'RE NOT SPENDING $11,500 FOR TENNIS COURTS.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THAT'S PRECISELY THE POINT.
WE'RE GOING TO WRITE THIS FELLOW HACKETT
A STRONG LETTER,
TELL HIM HE CAN EITHER KICK IN WITH THOSE 15 ACRES,
REDUCE THE PRICE, OR FIND ANOTHER SUCKER.
WE'LL DO NO SUCH THING.
I'M NOT GOING TO QUEER THIS DEAL OVER 15 BROKEN-DOWN ACRES.
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND BUSINESS.
YOU MEAN EXTORTION.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. NOW, PUT THAT THING DOWN.
LOOK, YOU CAN'T MEASURE EVERYTHING ON A SLIDE RULE.
THIS HOUSE HAS CERTAIN INTANGIBLES.
LIKE WHAT, FOR INSTANCE?
LIKE ANTIQUE VALUE, FOR INSTANCE.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT GENERAL, UH...GATES
STOPPED RIGHT THERE AT THAT VERY HOUSE
TO WATER HIS HORSES.
I DON'T CARE IF GENERAL GRANT DROPPED IN
FOR A SCOTCH AND SODA.
YOU'RE STILL GETTING ROOKED.
THAT WAS A DIFFERENT WAR!
I THINK BILL'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
NOW, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO BOTH OF YOU.
FOR 15 YEARS I'VE BEEN COOPED UP
IN A 4-ROOM CRACKERBOX.
JUST GETTING SHAVED IN THE MORNING
ENTITLES A MAN TO THE PURPLE HEART.
THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE THIS A GOOD BUY.
BILL, MURIEL AND I HAVE FOUND
WHAT I'M NOT ASHAMED TO CALL OUR DREAM HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE A FINE PAINTING.
YOU BUY IT WITH YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR HEAD.
YOU DON'T ASK HOW MUCH WAS THE PAINT,
HOW MUCH WAS THE CANVAS?
YOU LOOK AT IT AND YOU SAY,
"IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I WANT IT."
AND IF IT COSTS A FEW MORE PENNIES,
YOU PAY IT, AND GLADLY, BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT.
AND YOU CAN'T MEASURE THE THINGS YOU LOVE
IN DOLLARS AND CENTS.
OH. WELL, ANYWAY,
THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT IT.
WHEN I SIGN THOSE PAPERS ON SATURDAY,
I CAN LOOK THE WORLD IN THE FACE AND SAY,
"IT'S MINE... MY HOUSE, MY HOME,
MY 35 ACRES."
OUR HOUSE, OUR HOME, OUR 35 ACRES.
MORE OR LESS.
SO JIM CASHED IN HIS GOVERNMENT BONDS,
GAVE OLD MAN HACKETT A $6,000 MORTGAGE,
AND BOUGHT THE PLACE.
THEN THEY DROVE ME OUT TO SEE IT.
Muriel: THIS CERTAINLY ISN'T THE WAY WE CAME WITH MR. SMITH.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE SHRUNK MILLS?
PROBABLY MILLS THAT HAVE SHRUNK.
SEEMS TO ME WE GO LEFT.
OVER THE BRIDGE AND TURN RIGHT.
LEFT.
CONGRESS OUGHT TO PASS A LAW--
WHEN A MAN BUYS A HOUSE IN LANSDALE COUNTY,
THERE'S A PRIZE.
HE GETS 10% OFF IF HE CAN FIND IT.
OVER THE BRIDGE AND TURN RIGHT.
LEFT.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO FIND THAT HOUSE OF YOURS,
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
JUST PRETEND THAT YOU'RE ONE OF GENERAL GATES' HORSES
AND YOU'RE VERY THIRSTY.
WHERE WOULD YOU GO FOR A DRINK OF WATER?
WELL, I MUST ADMIT,
IT'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL THING.
THE HOUSE AND THE LILAC BUSH AT THE CORNER
ARE JUST THE SAME AGE, BILL.
IF A LILAC CAN LIVE AND BE SO OLD,
SO CAN THE HOUSE.
IT JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO LOVE IT, THAT'S ALL.
IT'S A GOOD THING THERE ARE TWO OF YOU.
ONE TO LOVE IT AND ONE TO HOLD IT UP.
WHAT DID YOUR ENGINEER SAY
WHEN HE CHECKED THE FOUNDATION
AND THAT ROOF?
WHO NEEDS ENGINEERS? THIS ISN'T A TRAIN, YOU KNOW.
I JUST SAW IT MOVE.
THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN STANDING
SINCE THE SECOND YEAR OF THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS.
YOU TAKE ONE LOOK AT IT, AND SHINGLES START TO FALL OFF.
LOOK, LET ME DO YOU A FAVOR. I'VE GOT A CLIENT--
CRACKERJACK STRUCTURAL ENGINEER,
JOE APOLLONIO.
PRACTICALLY BUILT THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE
SINGLE-HANDED.
THANKS A LOT, BUT WE'RE NOT BUILDING A BRIDGE.
HE'S THE FELLOW WHO ADVISED THE GOVERNMENT
NOT TO RAISE THE NORMANDIE.
THEY DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM, COST THEM $5 MILLION.
YOU HAVE MY WORD,
IF I WERE RAISING THE NORMANDIE,
I WOULDN'T MAKE A MOVE WITHOUT APOLLONIO.
NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN AND LOOK AROUND?
NO, THANKS.
[CRUMBLING]
[CRASH]
Jim: MURIEL!
MURIEL!
I THINK YOU'D BETTER GET IN TOUCH
WITH MR. APOLLONIO.
THE HOUSE HAS CHARM, HASN'T IT, MR. APOLLONIO?
MM-HMM.
OF COURSE, ANY SMALL CHANGES
WOULD HAVE TO CONFORM
TO THE CHARACTER OF THE COUNTRYSIDE.
Muriel: AND STILL BE FUNCTIONAL.
UH...
UH...WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION?
TEAR IT DOWN.
TEAR IT DOWN?
IF YOUR SILLS WERE SHOT AND YOUR TIMBERS WAS OK,
I'D SAY GO AHEAD, FIX HER UP.
IF YOUR TIMBERS WERE SHOT AND YOUR SILLS WAS OK,
AGAIN I'D SAY GO AHEAD AND FIX HER UP.
BUT YOUR SILLS ARE SHOT,
AND YOUR TIMBERS ARE SHOT.
I SHOW YOU.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE WAY WHAT SHE LEANS.
HERE. HMM?
OH.
IT HAS TO BE LEVEL.
SO I SAY DON'T THROW GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD.
TEAR IT DOWN. GOOD DAY.
Jim: THANKS A LOT.
THAT'S OK. AND I SEND MY BILL TO YOUR OFFICE.
BILL COLE AND HIS EXPERTS.
NEVER MIND, DARLING.
WE'LL GET OUR OWN EXPERTS.
MM.
AND SO THEY GOT THEIR OWN EXPERTS.
MR. SIMPSON SAID...
TEAR IT DOWN.
ON THE OTHER HAND, MR. MURPHY SAID...
TEAR IT DOWN.
AND THAT'S HOW OUR FRIEND MR. SIMMS CAME INTO IT.
HE SAID, OF COURSE IT WAS POSSIBLE
TO FIX UP THE OLD PLACE,
BUT WHY NOT BUILD A NEW HOUSE, SAME SIZE?
IT CERTAINLY WOULDN'T COST ANY MORE.
WHY NOT LOOK AT A FLOOR PLAN?
HERE WE ARE. SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
FIRST FLOOR,
LIVING ROOM, DINING ROOM,
STUDY, KITCHEN, BREAKFAST ROOM,
SERVICE PORCH, MAID'S ROOM.
UPSTAIRS, 3 FAMILY BEDROOMS
WITH 2 ADJOINING BATHS.
WELL, IT'S...VERY NICE.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE CONVENTIONAL?
MM. YES, MR. SIMMS, OF COURSE,
IF WE WERE GOING TO BUILD A HOUSE,
WE'D WANT IT, UH...
WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
OH, YES, YES.
OF COURSE, THIS IS JUST A POINT OF DEPARTURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO ANY OF THIS.
MM-HMM...WELL, UH,
I DON'T THINK WE'RE AT ALL READY TO COMMIT OURSELVES.
OH, NO.
OF COURSE NOT. I UNDERSTAND.
WELL, IF THIS WERE MY HOUSE, I'D, UH...
WELL, I MEAN...
NOW, HERE, FOR INSTANCE...
Jim: NOW, IN THE STUDY,
IF WE COULD JUST PUSH OUT THIS WALL A LITTLE
AND PUT IN A BUILT-IN BAR--
Muriel: EXCUSE ME, DEAR.
THESE BEDROOMS ARE TOO SMALL.
AND WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE DRESSING ROOM.
AND CLOSETS, MR. SIMMS, PLENTY OF CLOSETS.
IF THERE'S ONE THING
THIS FAMILY NEEDS, IT'S CLOSETS.
YES, IF I MIGHT MAKE A SUGGESTION--
AND BATHROOMS, MR. SIMMS.
EACH BEDROOM MUST HAVE AT LEAST ONE BATHROOM.
BUT THAT WOULD BE 4 BATHROOMS, MRS. BLANDINGS.
I THINK I BETTER POINT OUT--
I WAS WONDERING--
LOOK, DO YOU THINK WE COULD MANAGE
A LITTLE PLAYROOM IN THE BASEMENT?
YOU KNOW, NOTHING TREMENDOUS.
JUST, UH, WELL, SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
WELL, OF COURSE, IT'S ALWAYS POSSIBLE,
BUT AT THE MOMENT. OUR FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM--
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A LITTLE SEWING ROOM,
A LITTLE UTILITY ROOM UPSTAIRS,
WHERE I COULD BE ALONE AND SEW
OR SULK ON A RAINY AFTERNOON.
PARDON ME, DEAR.
NOW, MR. SIMMS, ABOUT THAT PLAYROOM--
NOT TOO SMALL. YOU KNOW,
PLENTY OF ROOM FOR DODGE, PING-PONG,
NICE BIG POKER TABLE.
YES. IF YOU DON'T MIND--
AND OFF THE KITCHEN-- A LITTLE FLOWER SINK...
HERE, THERE SHOULD BE A TERRACE OFF THE STUDY.
STONE FLOOR AND SHELVES FOR VASES...
SORT OF A BARBECUE THING...
A CLOSET FOR GARDENING THINGS...
ROASTING THING, ROTISSERIE THING.
YEAH, FOR SUNDAY AFTERNOONS.
WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.
IN THE FIRST PLACE, I'M AFRAID--
IN THE FIRST PLACE, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE GOT THE UPSTAIRS
ABOUT TWICE AS BIG AS THE DOWNSTAIRS.
IT'S ALL THOSE BATHROOMS.
IT'S ALL THOSE CLOSETS.
BY EXTENDING THAT BREAKFAST ROOM,
YOU'VE ELIMINATED THE POSSIBILITY
OF ANY STAIRS GOING UP TO THE SECOND FLOOR.
I'VE ALLOWED FOR THAT.
YOU CAN PUT THEM IN BEHIND THE PANTRY.
MRS. BLANDINGS, ON THAT SEWING ROOM,
THE WAY YOU HAVE IT THERE, THE CHIMNEY STACK
WOULD COME RIGHT UP THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM,
LEAVING YOU WITH SOMETHING
IN THE SHAPE OF A SQUARE DOUGHNUT,
WHICH, OF COURSE, MIGHT BE VERY WARM IN WINTER,
BUT OTHERWISE OF DOUBTFUL UTILITY.
CAN'T YOU PUT THE CHIMNEY SOMEWHERE ELSE?
LOOK, I THINK I KNOW
JUST ABOUT WHAT YOU TWO HAVE IN MIND.
SUPPOSE I GO AHEAD WITH SOME PRELIMINARY PLANS
AND THEN WE CAN GET TOGETHER IN ABOUT A WEEK'S TIME?
ALL RIGHT. YOU DO THAT.
FINE.
HOLY SMOKE!
OH, I'M AFRAID WE DIDN'T REALIZE.
WELL, MR. SIMMS, DON'T YOU FORGET,
WE'VE GOT TO HOLD IT DOWN UNDER 10,000.
THAT, I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, IS IMPOSSIBLE.
EVEN WITH CONSIDERABLE TRIMMING
OF THE THINGS THAT YOU'VE INDICATED,
I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN BRING IT IN
FOR LESS THAN 12,000 OR 12,500.
12,500?
OH, WELL, I GUESS WE'RE NOT GOING TO QUIBBLE
ABOUT A FEW PENNIES ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,
HAVE YOU ANY NOTIONS AS TO HOW YOU'D LIKE
THE OLD PLACE TAKEN DOWN?
WHY DON'T WE JUST BLOW ON IT?
WELL, SO FAR, IT'S COST US $13,329.45.
BUT WE HAVE THE NICEST VACANT LOT
IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT.
Mr. Simms: WELL, SOMETHING WILL HAVE TO BE CUT.
THESE PLANS ARE JUST TOO ELABORATE
FOR THE MONEY YOU HAVE TO SPEND.
Jim: ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE THE SACRIFICE.
YOU CAN CUT IT OUT.
NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
[WHISPERING] What's happening?
Dad just lost his playroom.
MURIEL, AS THE HOUSE STANDS NOW,
IT'S OVER $15,000.
MOTHER, MAY WE PLEASE PUT THEODORE TO BED?
YES.
IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE
FOR A HOUSE WITH SUCH SMALL ROOMS.
MRS. BLANDINGS, I'VE ALREADY EXPLAINED,
IT'S NOT SO MUCH THE SIZE OF THE ROOMS
AS IT IS THE NUMBER.
NOW, IS IT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL
FOR EACH OF YOUR DAUGHTERS TO HAVE HER OWN ROOM
WITH 2 CLOSETS AND A PRIVATE BATH?
YES.
YOU SEE, MY DAUGHTERS ARE APPROACHING WOMANHOOD, AND...
I DIDN'T REALIZE
THEY WERE APPROACHING IT QUITE SO FAST.
PERHAPS WHAT YOU NEED IS NOT SO MUCH A HOUSE,
AS A SERIES OF LITTLE BUNGALOWS,
EACH WITH 2 CLOSETS AND A PRIVATE BATH.
WELL...WHAT ABOUT THAT SILLY FLOWER SINK?
WE COULD LOSE THAT.
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
OR THAT SEWING ROOM-- THAT'S CERTAINLY A WASTE.
MAY I SUGGEST
THAT NEITHER OF THESE ARE REALLY MAJOR ELIMINATIONS.
NOW, IF YOU COULD DO WITH ONE LESS BATHROOM--
I'M SORRY, WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY.
A SIMPLE BATHROOM, 8 X 10 X 8,
WITH GRADE "A" FIXTURES, WILL COST AROUND $1,300.
I REFUSE TO ENDANGER
THE HEALTH OF MY CHILDREN
IN A HOUSE WITH LESS THAN 4 BATHROOMS.
FOR $1,300, THEY CAN LIVE IN A HOUSE
WITH 3 BATHROOMS AND ROUGH IT.
[KNOCKING]
WHY, BILL.
HELLO, MURIEL.
WELL, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.
ONCE...JUST ONCE...
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO ME
AND FIND OUT IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S LEGAL,
BEFORE YOU GO BARGING OFF
AND RUN YOURSELF SMACK INTO ANOTHER JAM?
WHAT'S EATING YOU?
I MUST SAY, SIMMS,
I HOLD YOU EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE.
Jim: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?
Mr. Simms: I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID YOU LET THIS IDIOT
TEAR DOWN THAT HOUSE?
WHAT IF HE DID? WHAT OF IT?
RECONSTRUCTION WAS UNSOUND AND TOTALLY IMPRACTICAL.
I QUITE AGREE,
BUT YOU'RE DEALING WITH A MAN
WHO DOESN'T THINK BEFORE HE ACTS,
WHO GOES OFF HALF-COCKED.
WHAT IS IT? WHAT DID I DO?
YOU'RE AN ARCHITECT.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN AWARE OF THE LEGALITY INVOLVED.
WHAT? WHAT LEGALITY?
YOU KNEW THERE WAS A MORTGAGE ON THAT HOUSE.
I ASSUMED AS MUCH.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I DON'T KNOW. THEY WON'T TELL ME.
Mr. Simms: CERTAINLY, BUT SINCE YOU WERE HIS LAWYER,
I NATURALLY ASSUMED--
WITH A GUY LIKE THIS, YOU DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING.
NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
I'M ENTITLED TO KNOW WHAT I DID!
THIS IS AMERICA.
A MAN IS GUILTY UNTIL HE'S PROVEN INNOCENT.
IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND, FATHER.
YOU GO TO BED.
GIRLS.
BILL, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
IN CLEAR, CONCISE ENGLISH
JUST WHAT CRIME I'VE COMMITTED AND WHY.
IN CLEAR, CONCISE ENGLISH, YOU TORE DOWN A HOUSE
ON WHICH ANOTHER MAN HOLDS A MORTGAGE
WITHOUT FIRST GETTING HIS WRITTEN PERMISSION.
WELL, I-- I DID?
AND IN SUCH CASE,
THE MORTGAGEE CAN DEMAND FULL PAYMENT OF SAID MORTGAGE.
MR. EPHEMUS HACKETT SO DEMANDS.
6,000 CLAMS.
AND HE WANTS THEM NOW.
NOW?
YOU'VE GOT 10 DAYS.
MISS STELLWAGON SAYS
THE PROBLEMS OF THE PARENTS
SHOULD BE THE PROBLEMS OF THE CHILDREN.
WELL, YOU KEEP THAT IN MIND, DEAR.
IT WILL HELP PREPARE YOU FOR MOTHERHOOD.
PERHAPS WE'D BETTER LET THE PLANS GO FOR THE TIME BEING.
NO, SIMMS, I'LL WORK THIS OUT.
YOU GO AHEAD WITH YOUR FINAL PLANS,
AND LET'S SEE SOME ESTIMATES.
VERY WELL. YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, MR. COLE.
GOOD NIGHT.
$6,000.
Muriel: GOOD NIGHT, MR. SIMMS.
Mr. Simms: GOOD NIGHT, MRS. BLANDINGS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
ABOUT THE COLLATERAL ON YOUR BUILDING LOAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
TURN IN MY INSURANCE POLICIES OR SOMETHING.
JIM, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
WHY, IF ANYTHING SHOULD HAPPEN,
THE CHILDREN WOULD BE LEFT UNPROTECTED.
I'M NOT DEAD YET.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT.
I'LL SEE THE BOYS AT THE BANK.
MAYBE YOU CAN PUT UP YOUR INSURANCE AS COLLATERAL.
IF NECESSARY...
I'LL SIGN A PERSONAL NOTE.
THANKS, BILL.
WELL, I GOT TO RUN ALONG.
JIM, DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR, WILL YOU?
THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE GONNA DO ANYTHING
OR SAY ANYTHING OR BUY ANYTHING,
THINK IT OVER VERY CAREFULLY.
WHEN YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE RIGHT,
FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
GOOD NIGHT, MURIEL.
GOOD NIGHT, BILL.
HMM...
WHAT A WONDERFUL FRIEND.
HMM. WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS KISSING
ALL OF A SUDDEN?
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, JUST BECAUSE A MAN IS HELPFUL
IN A BUSINESS WAY,
IT DOESN'T GIVE HIM EXTRACURRICULAR
PRIVILEGES WITH MY WIFE.
WELL, THAT'S A FINE THING TO SAY
ABOUT A FRIEND OF 15 YEARS.
WELL, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
EVERY TIME HE GOES OUT OF THIS HOUSE,
HE SHAKES MY HAND AND HE KISSES YOU.
WOULD YOU PREFER IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
WELL...
WHY IS HE ALWAYS HANGING AROUND?
WHY DOESN'T HE EVER GET MARRIED OR SOMETHING?
BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND ANOTHER GIRL
AS PRETTY AND SWEET AND WHOLESOME AS I AM.
DARLING, LET'S NOT BE SILLY ABOUT THIS.
IT ISN'T BILL,
IT'S THE HOUSE THAT'S UPSETTING YOU.
I SUPPOSE SO.
DO YOU THINK IT'S WORTH ALL THIS?
OF COURSE IT IS.
IT ISN'T A HOUSE WE'RE BUILDING,
IT'S A HOME...
FOR OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN...
AND MAYBE OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.
EACH WITH 2 CLOSETS AND A PRIVATE BATH.
WELL, HERE ARE THE ESTIMATES.
BUT BEFORE YOU LOOK AT THEM, I THINK I BETTER EXPLAIN.
OH, DON'T BOTHER, MR. SIMMS.
WE'RE GETTING TO BE OLD HANDS AT THIS SORT OF THING.
AH...
OF COURSE, THESE BIDS ARE OBVIOUSLY WAY OUT OF LINE.
THAT IS, ALL EXCEPT JOHN RETCH & SON AT 21,000.
21,000?!
AND WITH SOME JUDICIOUS CUTTING,
I THINK WE COULD PARE THAT DOWN TO 18.
BUT WE'VE ONLY ASKED FOR THE BAREST NECESSITIES.
FRANKLY, WITH ALL THE EXTRAS THAT YOU TWO HAVE--
NEVER MIND, MR. SIMMS.
IF YOU'LL SEND US A BILL FOR YOUR SERVICES,
I'LL SEE IT'S TAKEN CARE OF.
GOOD-BYE, MR. SIMMS.
OH, BUT ONE MOMENT, MR. BLANDINGS,
IN THE FIRST PLACE--
IN THE FIRST PLACE, MR. SIMMS,
I AM GOING OUT TO GET MY HEAD EXAMINED.
THEN, IF I DON'T JUMP OFF THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE,
I'M GOING TO FIND THE OWNER OF OUR APARTMENT BUILDING
AND SIGN A 20-YEAR LEASE. GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE, SIR.
GOOD-BYE, MR. SIMMS.
GOOD-BYE, MRS. BLANDINGS.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD KEEP IT DOWN TO 18,000?
[EQUIPMENT RUNNING]
[SHOUTING] WELL, THINGS ARE CERTAINLY HUMMING.
WHAT?
I SAID HUMMING.
OH.
OH, THERE'S MY CONTRACTOR, MR. RETCH.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU.
WE ORDERED THAT STUFF OVER A MONTH AGO.
GET DOWN TO THE FREIGHT OFFICE.
Joe: HELLO, MR. RETCH.
HI. PUT A TRACER ON IT RIGHT AWAY.
WE NEED THAT STUFF.
GOT A LOT ON HIS MIND.
HEY, GET OUT OF THE WAY. YOU WANT TO GET KILLED?
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
OH, THAT'S MR. TESANDER. HE'S DIGGING OUR WELL.
HOW LONG DOES THAT GO ON?
3 WEEKS NOW, AT $4.50 A FOOT.
I THINK I'D BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK
WITH MR. TESANDER.
MR. TESANDER?
MR. TESANDER!
YEP?
HOW'S IT COMING?
IT'S COMING.
MR. TESANDER?
YEP?
WHAT I MEANT WAS,
HOW FAR DOWN ARE YOU?
OH, ABOUT 150 FEET.
ISN'T THAT PRETTY DEEP?
YEP.
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK PERHAPS
YOU OUGHT TO TRY ANOTHER SPOT?
UP TO YOU.
UH...WELL...
HAVEN'T YOU HIT ANYTHING YET AT ALL?
HIT SOME LIMESTONE YESTERDAY.
THAT'S GOOD?
THAT'S BAD.
OH.
RIGHT NOW, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE COMING INTO SOME SHALE.
THAT'S BAD?
THAT'S GOOD.
OH.
OF COURSE, IT MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE SANDSTONE.
Jim: THAT'S BAD.
CAN'T TELL.
MIGHT BE GOOD, MIGHT BE BAD.
ONE THING YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT PLENTY SHALE, SANDSTONE, AND LIMESTONE.
I SEE.
Muriel: MR. TESANDER.
HOW DO YOU DO?
JUST FOR THE RECORD, OF COURSE,
WHAT HAPPENED TO WATER?
OH, IT'S THERE, ALL RIGHT.
JUST GOT TO BE PATIENT.
[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE STEAM SHOVEL?
I BETTER GO AND TAKE A LOOK.
JIM!
COME HERE.
THANK YOU.
[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. ZUCCA?
SOMETHING WRONG?
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
I BROKE MY BUCKET.
2 TIMES THIS WEEK I BROKE MY BUCKET.
WHAT DID YOU DO, HIT A BOULDER?
THAT'S NO BOULDER. THAT'S A LEDGE.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
MEANS WE GOT TO BLAST.
BLAST?
BLAST...
WITH DYNAMITE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DYNAMITE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
MR. ZUCCA EXPLAINED HE HAS TO USE DYNAMITE
TO BLAST TO GET RID OF THE ROCK.
THAT'S NO ROCK. THAT'S A LEDGE.
WHAT MR. BLANDINGS MEANS IS,
WHAT PRECISELY IS A LEDGE?
A LEDGE IS LIKE A BIG STONE, ONLY IT'S BIGGER.
LIKE A BOULDER.
NO, LIKE A LEDGE.
LIKE A LEDGE.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
IT ONLY COSTS $6.00 A CUBIC YARD,
PLUS THE DYNAMITE AND THE FUSE.
HOW FAR WILL YOU HAVE TO BLAST?
HARD TO TELL.
MIGHT BE A LITTLE BABY LEDGE,
MIGHT RUN OVER TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN.
AT $6.00 A YARD,
DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT MEANS WE GOT TO BLAST.
WITH A FEW MINOR DEVIATIONS,
I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE EVERY PENNY IS GOING.
IS THAT ALL?
YES, THANKS.
HI.
HELLO, BILL. COME IN.
I'VE BEEN GOING OVER THE KNAPP CONTRACTS
WITH OLD MAN DASCOMB.
WHILE I WAS IN THERE WITH DASCOMB,
THE CONVERSATION KIND OF GOT AROUND TO YOU.
OH? WHAT IS IT?
WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY IN SO MANY WORDS
THAT EVER SINCE YOU STARTED FOOLING AROUND
WITH THAT HOUSE,
YOU HAVEN'T COME UP WITH ONE ACCEPTABLE SLOGAN.
BUT...
WHERE IS IT?
IT'S THERE.
BUT SINCE THE WHAM ACCOUNT
IS THE BACKBONE OF THIS AGENCY,
I KIND OF FELT THAT HE KIND OF FELT
THAT IF I KIND OF TOLD YOU, THAT YOU'D KNOW...
Together: THAT HE KNEW THAT YOU KNEW...
OR SOMETHING.
WELL, WHAT'S HE WORRYING ABOUT?
THE DEADLINE IS 6 MONTHS OFF.
[INTERCOM BUZZER]
YEAH?
MRS. BLANDINGS CALLING FROM LANSDALE.
OK.
YES, MURIEL?
WHAT?
WHAT-- TESANDER STRUCK WATER?
SAY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BILL, WE'VE GOT OUR WELL!
CONGRATULATIONS.
HA HA! WHAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'VE GOT 2 WELLS?
OH.
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
COME ON, BILL.
SO, YOU HIT A SPRING,
A BUBBLING SPRING, RIGHT HERE IN OUR CELLAR.
IT'LL HAVE TO BE DIVERTED
BEFORE RETCH HERE CAN POUR HIS CEMENT.
IT MAY TAKE A WHILE. PUMPS ARE OVER IN JERSEY.
TSK, TSK, TSK, TSK.
WATER, MR. TESANDER.
YEP.
AT 6 FEET.
YEP.
AND JUST OVER THERE, YOU HAD TO GO DOWN 227 FEET
TO HIT THE SAME WATER.
YEP.
NOW, HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THAT, MR. TESANDER?
WELL, THE WAY IT APPEARS TO ME, MR. BLANDINGS,
OVER HERE THE WATER IS DOWN AROUND 6 FEET.
AND OVER THERE, UH...
Together: IT'S DOWN AROUND 227 FEET.
YEP.
WHAT'S THIS, ANOTHER CLOSET?
THIS HAPPENS TO BE OUR LIVING ROOM.
THIS ISN'T THE LIVING ROOM, DARLING.
THE LIVING ROOM'S ACROSS THE HALL.
WELL, THEN WHERE'S THE DINING ROOM?
UH, WELL, I THINK IT'S...
MAYBE IT'S THIS LITTLE ROOM HERE.
NO, THAT'S THE BREAKFAST ROOM.
THAT ISN'T THE BREAKFAST ROOM. THAT'S THE POWDER ROOM.
OH.
JUST WHERE IS THE DINING ROOM?
IT WAS RIGHT HERE A MINUTE AGO.
WE COULDN'T JUST HAVE LOST IT.
BETTER PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER.
Workman: I DON'T GET THIS GUY BLANDINGS AT ALL.
YOU GOT TO BUILD ON THE WINDIEST HILL IN CONNECTICUT,
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO PICK THE WINDIEST SIDE OF THE HILL?
Second workman: YOU KNOW THOSE NEW YORK MILLIONAIRES--
EASY COME, EASY GO.
NOW, HERE IS THE LIVING ROOM, RIGHT?
YES.
THERE'S THE FIREPLACE.
COME RIGHT IN.
AFTER YOU, ROCKEFELLER.
Workman: HEY, MISTER.
YOU'RE THE OWNER HERE, AREN'T YOU?
YEAH.
JUST THE MAN I WANT TO SEE.
I'LL BROWSE AROUND UPSTAIRS.
ON THEM SECOND FLOOR LINTELS
BETWEEN THE LALLY COLUMNS--
DO YOU WANT WE SHOULD RABBET THEM OR NOT?
THE, UH... SECOND FLOOR LALLIES?
SECOND FLOOR LINTELS BETWEEN THE LALLIES.
OH, THE LINTELS BETWEEN THE LALLIES.
YEAH, FROM THE BLUEPRINTS, YOU CAN'T TELL.
DO YOU WANT THEY SHOULD BE RABBETED?
NO, NO, I GUESS NOT.
OK, YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.
HEY, FELLAS!
IF YOU GOT ANY OF THEM RABBETED LINTELS SET,
RIP 'EM OUT!
[WOOD FALLING]
IT SOUNDED LESS EXPENSIVE TO SAY NO.
STOP IT!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OK, FELLAS. LET'S QUIT!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
HO--HO--
LOOK, MEN!
MRS. BLANDINGS DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I MEAN, THERE'S NO POINT IN WALKING OFF A JOB
JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN MAKES A SILLY LITTLE REMARK.
LOOK, MISTER, IT'S SATURDAY. WE QUIT AT 12:00.
Man: UNLESS YOU WANT US TO GO ON OVERTIME.
UH...NO, NO, NO. VERY KIND OF YOU, I'M SURE, BUT...
WELL, SEE YOU MONDAY, FELLAS.
I'M SICK.
FROM THE OUTSIDE,
THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A GRAIN ELEVATOR.
ON THE INSIDE, EVERYTHING'S MILES TOO SMALL.
[BANGING]
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S WHAT?
THAT NOISE. IT'S UPSTAIRS.
[BANGING]
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE DOOR BLEW SHUT.
I GOT LOCKED IN.
IMPOSSIBLE. I HAD THIS CLOSET BUILT
ESPECIALLY FOR MYSELF.
THE LOCK OPENS FROM THE INSIDE.
MAYBE FOR HOUDINI. NOT FOR ME.
NOTHING TO IT. A CHILD COULD DO IT.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.
SEE? IT JUST TAKES SOME GOOD OLD YANKEE KNOW-HOW.
IT'S POSSIBLE, DARLING,
THE LOCK WORKS FOR YOU AND NOT FOR BILL.
RIDICULOUS. EVEN YOU COULD DO IT.
THANK YOU.
COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU. GET IN.
NOW GO AHEAD, DEAR. JUST OPEN THE DOOR.
I DON'T SEEM TO BE ABLE TO--
IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
YOU JUST TAKE THE KNOB AND TURN IT CLOCKWISE.
NOTHING LIKE THAT GOOD OLD YANKEE KNOW-HOW.
HEY!
SOMEBODY LET US OUT OF HERE!
[ENGINE STARTS]
UH-OH.
OH, DEAR.
AHEM.
HUH.
IF I COULD JUST GET OVER TO THAT SCAFFOLDING.
IT SEEMS A SHAME.
I GUESS IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
DON'T GET PANICKY, DEAR.
I'LL GET YOU OUT OF HERE. DON'T WORRY.
HUH? STAND UP, BILL.
HOLD THAT OVER THE WINDOW.
STAND BACK, MURIEL.
READY?
ROGER.
[GLASS BREAKING]
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS.
COME ON, BILL.
THAT'S FUNNY.
THERE'S NO REASON WHY THAT SHOULDN'T WORK.
[BANGING]
OH...WHAM AGAIN!
YES, SIR.
MURIEL, I THOUGHT WE'D AGREED--
GUSSIE, FROM NOW ON,
NO MORE WHAM FOR MR. BLANDINGS.
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US?
GUSSIE, I'M SURE THERE ARE OTHER SUBSTITUTES--
BACON, SAUSAGES, OR SOMETHING LIKE--
THE CHILDREN LIKE WHAM.
WELL, THERE MUST BE OTHER THINGS--
MRS. BLANDINGS LIKES IT, TOO.
JUST THE SAME--
AND I CONSIDER IT VERY TASTY.
GUSSIE, I SPEND 8 HOURS EVERY DAY
TRYING TO CRAM THIS STUFF DOWN THE THROATS
OF 100 MILLION PEOPLE.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT-- ITS SUCCULENT GOODNESS,
ITS SUGAR-SMOKED TENDERNESS, ITS--
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL ME. I LIKE IT.
OH, THANK YOU.
JUST BILLS.
DARLING, I'M GOING OUT TO THE PLACE THIS AFTERNOON.
BILL'S DRIVING ME UP TO SEE ABOUT THE LANDSCAPING.
THAT'LL BE NICE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BILL�S DRIVING YOU?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY "WHAT DO YOU MEAN"
WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT I MEAN AND WHAT YOU MEAN?
I MEAN THE MOMENT I TURN MY BACK,
BILL COLE'S DRIVING YOU SOMEPLACE OR SOMETHING.
HE'S ONLY BEING HELPFUL.
I THOUGHT HE WAS A LAWYER.
WHY ISN'T HE OUT SUING SOMEBODY?
BICKER, BICKER, BICKER.
[SIGHS]
HMM!
WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT!
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JIM?
MR. WILLIAM COLE, PLEASE.
HELLO, BILL.
THEY CAN'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!
I KNOW MY RIGHTS AS A CITIZEN!
WHY, THIS NOTICE FROM THE OWNER OF THIS BUILDING!
YEAH, HE WANTS OUR APARTMENT!
HE'S ORDERING US TO MOVE IN 30 DAYS!
WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
HOW CAN I MOVE INTO A HOUSE THAT ISN'T EVEN FINISHED?
THERE ARE NO WINDOWS, NO PLASTER, NO PAINT!
NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME.
I HAVE NO INTENTION OF MOVING IN 30 DAYS!
THIS IS NOT LEGAL! I'M GOING TO FIGHT THIS THING,
AND I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES EVERY PENNY I'VE GOT!
YEAH. YEAH. YEAH!
ALL RIGHT.
WELL?
WE'RE MOVING IN 30 DAYS.
SO CAME 30 DAYS, AND THEY MOVED.
THAT IS, WE MOVED.
WELL, THERE SHE IS, BRIGHT AND SHINY...
AND JUST ABOUT COMPLETE--
THE RESIDENCE OF MR. AND MRS. JAMES BLANDINGS.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY OUT!
GUESS YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM
FOR FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT PROUD.
[CHIRPING]
EVEN THEODORE'S PROUD.
"ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MEN. LET'S HAVE A LITTLE ACTION HERE."
"OK, MAC."
THE BIG MOMENT.
AW, LOOK.
HE WANTS TO CARRY HER ACROSS THE THRESHOLD.
ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?
UGHHH!
WATCH THAT SACROILIAC!
15 YEARS SINCE YOU'VE DONE THIS SORT OF THING.
NICE WORK, TARZAN.
NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE IT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT. GO RIGHT IN.
DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE SIGN.
"WHY DON'T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M VARNISHING THIS FLOOR?"
"STOP PAINTING THAT FLOOR
AND PUT SOME PLANKS DOWN IN HERE OR SOMETHING!"
"OK, MAC, OK, BUT TAKE IT EASY.
THE REPUBLICANS AIN'T IN YET, YOU KNOW!"
"THERE!
I'LL JUST SEE SIMMS ABOUT THIS!"
"OH, FATHER!
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT WE'VE FOUND!"
"NOW WHAT?
"OH, FINE. NO WINDOWS!
WELL, WE'LL JUST SEE SIMMS ABOUT THAT, TOO!"
WHERE'S SIMMS?
AROUND BACK, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM WINDOWS.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? YOU PUT WINDOWS UP.
NOT THESE. THEY DON'T FIT.
OH, THEY DON'T, DON'T THEY?
MR. BLANDINGS, YOU'D BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT THESE BILLS.
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT THE WINDOWS?
I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A LITTLE SLIP-UP.
THESE WINDOWS SEEM TO BELONG
TO A MR. LANDING IN FISHKILL.
I SPOKE TO HIM ON THE PHONE THIS MORNING.
WELL, HAS HE GOT MINE?
NO. HE SEEMS TO HAVE SOME WINDOWS
THAT BELONG TO A MR. BLANDSWORTH
IN PEEKSKILL.
WHERE ARE MY WINDOWS?
WELL, AS NEAR AS WE CAN FIND OUT,
THEY'VE EITHER BEEN SENT TO A MR. BANNING
IN DANBURY
OR A MR. BAMBERGER IN WATERBURY.
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES
IN A HOUSE WITHOUT WINDOWS?
IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF A FEW DAYS.
WHAT'S A ZUZ-ZUZ WATER SOFTENER?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
YOU'VE GOT ONE.
HUH?
"FURNISHING AND INSTALLING ONE ZUZ-ZUZ WATER SOFTENER,
$285--"
I DIDN'T ORDER THAT!
I'M AFRAID I AUTHORIZED THAT,
MR. BLANDINGS,
TO SAVE YOUR BOILER AND WATER PIPES.
FROM WHAT?
RUST. THE PLUMBER ASSURES ME
THAT THE WATER IN YOUR WELL
IS THE MOST CORROSIVE
IN HIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE IN THE TRADE.
ANOTHER FIRST.
WELL, IF IT'S NECESSARY, PUT IT IN.
WE'RE MOVING IN TODAY.
IT'S IN!
OH. THEN GET ME THE BILL FOR IT!
YOU'VE GOT IT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN!
THAT'S RIGHT. UPSTAIRS AND IN THE BEDROOM.
THAT'LL BE FINE. MOTHER!
THE MOVING VANS JUST LEFT AND--
NEVER MIND. YOU TWO GO AND HELP GUSSIE IN THE KITCHEN.
NOW, MR. PeDELFORD, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE PAINTING.
OK.
I HAD SOME SAMPLES.
AH, HERE WE ARE.
NOW, FIRST THE LIVING ROOM.
I WANT IT TO BE A SOFT GREEN.
UH-HUH.
NOT AS BLUE-GREEN AS A ROBIN'S EGG.
NO.
BUT NOT AS YELLOW-GREEN AS DAFFODIL BUDS.
UH-HUH.
NOW, THE ONLY SAMPLE I COULD GET
IS A LITTLE TOO YELLOW,
BUT DON'T LET WHOEVER DOES IT GO TO THE OTHER EXTREME
AND GET IT TOO BLUE.
NO.
IT SHOULD BE A SORT OF GRAYISH YELLOW-GREEN.
UH-HUH.
NOW, THE DINING ROOM.
I'D LIKE YELLOW. NOT JUST YELLOW.
A VERY GAY YELLOW.
SOMETHING BRIGHT AND SUNSHINY.
UH-HUH.
I TELL YOU, MR. PeDELFORD,
IF YOU'LL SEND ONE OF YOUR WORKMEN TO THE GROCER
FOR A POUND OF THEIR BEST BUTTER AND MATCH THAT EXACTLY,
UH-HUH. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG!
NOW, THIS IS THE PAPER WE'RE GOING TO USE IN THE HALL.
IT'S FLOWERED, BUT I DON'T WANT THE CEILING
TO MATCH ANY OF THE COLORS OF THE FLOWERS.
NO.
THERE ARE SOME LITTLE DOTS IN THE BACKGROUND,
AND IT'S THESE DOTS I WANT YOU TO MATCH.
NOT THE LITTLE GREENISH DOT
NEAR THE HOLLYHOCK LEAF.
NO.
BUT THE LITTLE BLUISH DOT
BETWEEN THE ROSEBUD
AND THE DELPHINIUM BLOSSOM.
IS THAT CLEAR?
UH-HUH.
NOW, THE KITCHEN'S TO BE WHITE.
NOT A COLD, ANTISEPTIC, HOSPITAL WHITE.
NO.
A LITTLE WARMER, BUT STILL,
NOT TO SUGGEST ANY OTHER COLOR BUT WHITE.
UH-HUH.
NOW, FOR THE POWDER ROOM IN HERE,
I WANT YOU TO MATCH THIS THREAD.
AND DON'T LOSE IT.
IT'S THE ONLY SPOOL I HAVE,
AND I HAD AN AWFUL TIME FINDING IT.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
IT'S PRACTICALLY AN APPLE RED,
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A HEALTHY WINESAP
AND AN UNRIPENED JONATHAN.
UH-HUH.
[CRASH]
OH, EXCUSE ME.
YOU GOT THAT, CHARLIE?
RED, GREEN, BLUE, YELLOW, WHITE.
CHECK.
[SPITS]
OH, JOAN.
I'M AWFUL SORRY.
YOU KNEW FATHER WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY THE HEAVY THINGS.
WELL, FATHER DISAPPEARED.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM FOR AN HOUR.
WHERE'S UNCLE BILL, MOTHER? HE'S GOING TO MISS HIS TRAIN!
IF THEY'VE RUN OFF SOMEWHERE,
IT CERTAINLY ISN'T VERY--
[BANGING]
HEAVENS!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
YOU'RE GOING TO MISS YOUR TRAIN, UNCLE BILL.
IT LEAVES LANSDALE IN 25 MINUTES.
I KIND OF HATE TO LEAVE THIS LITTLE PLACE.
JUST 4 WALLS AND A COUPLE OF NAIL KEGS,
BUT TO ME, IT'LL ALWAYS BE HOME.
ISN'T THERE A LATER ONE?
NOT TILL THE COMMUTER SPECIAL
TOMORROW MORNING AT 6:15.
YOU MEAN 7:15.
NO, DAD. 6:15.
WHAT ABOUT THE 7:15
I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE TO THE OFFICE EVERY MORNING?
THERE'S A LITTLE ASTERISK.
THE 7:15 RUNS ONLY SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND HOLIDAYS.
WHAT? BILL, LET ME SEE THAT!
MURIEL!
OH, DEAR. DON'T TELL ME I READ IT WRONG.
THAT'S FINE. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I'LL HAVE TO GET UP AT 5 A.M. TO CATCH THE 6:15
TO GET TO MY OFFICE AT 8:00.
IT DOESN'T EVEN OPEN UNTIL 9:00,
AND I NEVER GET THERE UNTIL 10:00.
MAYBE IF YOU START EARLIER,
YOU CAN LEAVE THE OFFICE EARLIER.
TO GET HOME EARLIER TO GET TO BED EARLIER
TO GET UP EARLIER I SUPPOSE, HMM?
MAYBE YOU CAN GET THE RAILROAD TO PUSH THE TRAIN UP TO 4:15,
THEN YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO BED AT ALL.
YOU'RE GOING TO MISS YOUR TRAIN, UNCLE BILL.
I'LL DRIVE YOU TO THE STATION.
I CAN DRIVE HIM!
NO, DEAR. YOU'D BETTER SAVE YOUR STRENGTH.
YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00.
IT WOULD BE NICE
IF YOU COULD SPEND YOUR VACATION UP HERE, BILL.
MM-HMM. WE'LL SEE HOW THINGS WORK OUT AT THE OFFICE.
I TELL YOU-- I'LL SCOUT AROUND
AND SEE IF I CAN FIND YOU A COTTAGE IN LANSDALE.
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T FIND ME A COTTAGE,
I CAN ALWAYS MOVE BACK INTO THAT CLOSET.
[LAUGHS]
[TRAIN BELL RINGING]
[COUGHING]
OH!
FATHER!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
FATHER, THE FIRST PRINCIPLE
OF LIGHTING A FIRE
IS TO SEE IF THE FLUE IS OPEN.
A 3-YEAR-OLD CHILD KNOWS THAT.
NEXT TIME WE WANT A FIRE,
I'LL SEND OUT FOR A 3-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
NOW, GET THAT STUFF CLEANED UP, AND THEN GO ON IN
AND HELP GUSSIE SET THE TABLE. IT'S GETTING LATE.
LOOK, DAD. YOUR FRATERNITY PINS.
PINS? I ONLY HAD ONE.
THERE ARE TWO OF THEM HERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. JUST PUT THEM AWAY.
FUNNY. THIS ONE SAYS W.C. ON THE BACK OF IT.
W.C. WILLIAM COLE!
IT MUST BE UNCLE BILL'S.
HMM?
LET ME SEE THAT.
[WHISTLES]
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S MOTHER'S DIARY WHILE SHE WAS IN COLLEGE.
IT'S SLIGHTLY TORRID.
LET'S SEE.
THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
I'D SAY MOTHER AND UNCLE BILL
WERE SOMEWHAT OF AN ITEM!
PEOPLE DO NOT READ OTHER PEOPLE'S DIARIES.
THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING TO DO.
NOW GO IN THERE AND HELP GUSSIE WITH THE TABLE. COME ON, SHOO!
WHAT ABOUT--
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT. NOW SHOO!
EXCUSE.
MURIEL, DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT NOW?
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SO IRRITABLE
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO SHAVE AT NIGHT.
I'M NOT IRRITABLE.
WELL, YOU'RE SOMETHING.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID A CIVIL WORD ALL EVENING.
SOMETIMES A MAN DOESN'T FEEL LIKE TALKING.
WHAT IS IT, DEAR?
SOMETHING DOWN AT THE OFFICE?
NO.
YOU GOT THE NEW SLOGAN FOR WHAM?
IT'S NOT DUE YET.
OH... IT'S SOMETHING.
YOU'RE CERTAINLY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.
I CAN ALWAYS TELL.
I'M NOT UPSET.
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T HAPPEN TO APPROVE
OF FALSEHOOD AND DECEPTION,
PARTICULARLY IN MY OWN WIFE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OH, NOTHING.
IT'S JUST THAT I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER
YOUR TELLING ME
YOU GAVE BILL BACK HIS FRATERNITY PIN 15 YEARS AGO.
WHAT?
DID YOU OR DIDN'T YOU?
DID I OR DIDN'T I WHAT?
GIVE IT BACK TO HIM.
WELL, OF COURSE I DID. IF I SAID I DID, I DID.
AHH...
THEN PERHAPS YOU'LL HAVE THE GOODNESS
TO EXPLAIN HOW THIS
HAPPENED TO FALL OUT OF YOUR JEWEL BOX.
HA HA!
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
YOU.
YOU'RE JEALOUS!
[GIGGLES]
IF YOU WERE SO CRAZY ABOUT THE GUY,
WHY DIDN'T YOU MARRY HIM?
BECAUSE I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM.
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID IN YOUR DIARY!
OH! NOW YOU'VE BEEN READING MY DIARY!
WELL, IT JUST HAPPENED TO FALL OPEN,
AND I HAPPENED TO LOOK AT IT.
IT--IT JUST HAPPENED.
I'LL JUST BET!
IT'S ALL OVER THE BOOK!
SHH! THE CHILDREN.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT IT?
YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH BILL COLE!
OH, DON'T BE ABSURD!
OF COURSE I WAS IN LOVE WITH BILL.
IN THOSE DAYS, I WAS IN LOVE WITH A NEW MAN EVERY WEEK.
THEN WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?
I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER.
MAYBE IT WAS THOSE BIG COW EYES OF YOURS
OR THAT RIDICULOUS HOLE IN YOUR CHIN.
MAYBE I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BRING ME OUT
TO THIS $38,000 ICEBOX
WITH A DRIED-UP TROUT STREAM AND NO WINDOWS!
OR MAYBE I JUST HAPPENED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU,
BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, DON'T ASK ME WHY!
MURIEL...
WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:20.
THANK YOU.
MURIEL, WOULD IT DO ANY GOOD
TO SAY I'M SORRY?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I AM.
I'VE BEHAVED LIKE A SCHOOLBOY,
AND I'M SORRY.
OH, JIM!
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE SOAP OUT OF YOUR EARS?
WHY DO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?
DARLING, IT'S AWFULLY LATE.
MM-HMM.
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GO DOWN AND LOCK THE DOORS.
WHAT FOR? THE WINDOWS ARE ALL OPEN, ANYWAY.
YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
GOOD NIGHT.
SO THE DAYS SPED BY...
AND THE BILLS AND THE EXTRAS.
AND AS AUTUMN REARED ITS LOVELY HEAD,
SO DID THE DEADLINE FOR JIM'S SLOGAN.
IT WAS PRACTICALLY A PHOTO FINISH.
YOU BETTER SEND OUT FOR SANDWICHES AND COFFEE.
IT LOOKS LIKE AN ALL-NIGHT SESSION.
WHAT DID MR. DASCOMB SAY?
HE SAID, "BLANDINGS, I WANT THAT SLOGAN
ON MY DESK BY 9 A.M. CHECK?"
I SAID, "CHECK."
WELL, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DREAM SOMETHING UP,
GOOD OR BAD.
I RATHER GOT THE IMPRESSION
THAT IT BETTER BE GOOD.
[SIGHS]
FUNNY HOW YOU LOOK FORWARD TO THE LITTLE THINGS.
RAIN, FOR INSTANCE.
FOR A MONTH NOW,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE FIRST RAINY NIGHT AT THE HOUSE...
BIG BLAZING FIRE,
MURIEL POURING COFFEE.
ME IN MY NEW SMOKING JACKET,
WITH MY PIPE AND SLIPPERS,
READING MY NEWSPAPER.
AH, WELL.
DO YOU SUPPOSE MY CLOTHES ARE DRY YET?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
THANK HEAVENS, THE CHILDREN.
SIT STILL.
YOU LOOK TOO COMFORTABLE.
YEAH.
[KNOCKING]
WHEW! WHAT A NIGHT!
I'M HARRY SELBY FROM DOWN THE ROAD.
WON'T YOU COME IN?
OH, THANK YOU.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO GET YOUR PLACE ALL WET.
I JUST CAME IN TO TELL YOU
THAT THE KIDS ARE SAFE, MR. BLANDINGS.
OH, I'M NOT MR. BLANDINGS.
COLE'S THE NAME. BILL COLE.
A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
JUST CAME IN OUT OF THE RAIN.
I'M MRS. BLANDINGS.
OH, HOW DO?
OH, MRS. WILLIAMS JUST CALLED
AND SAYS YOUR PHONE IS OUT OF ORDER.
SHE WANTED ME TO COME OVER AND TELL YOU
THAT THE WATER'S RISING.
THEY'VE GOT THE BRIDGE ROPED OFF.
YOUR GIRLS WILL SPEND THE NIGHT OVER AT HER PLACE.
OH, THANK YOU.
I WAS BEGINNING TO GET QUITE WORRIED.
AW, SHE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM.
MAY I GIVE YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?
OH, NO, THANK YOU.
I'D BETTER BE GETTING BACK BEFORE I HAVE TO SWIM FOR IT.
WELL, NIGHT, MRS. BLANDINGS.
GOOD NIGHT. I'M VERY GRATEFUL.
OH, NOT AT ALL. NIGHT, MR. BLANDIN--
COLE. BILL COLE. FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.
JUST CAME IN OUT OF THE RAIN.
WELL...NIGHT!
Muriel: GOOD NIGHT!
AND THANK YOU!
NO BRIDGE. THAT'S FINE.
HOW DO I GET BACK TO LANSDALE?
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.
MURIEL, REALLY.
WITH YOUR HUSBAND IN NEW YORK
AND YOUR CHILDREN AWAY?
THINK OF MY REPUTATION.
DON'T WORRY, SNOW WHITE.
YOU'LL BE JUST AS PURE AND UNSULLIED IN THE MORNING
AS YOU WERE THE NIGHT BEFORE.
THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
[SNAP SNAP SNAP]
"COMPARE THE PRICE. COMPARE THE SLICE.
TAKE OUR ADVICE. BUY WHAM!"
OHH...
UHH...
[SNAP SNAP SNAP]
"IF YOU'D BUY BETTER HAM, YOU'D BETTER BUY WHAM!"
THAT'S BOYLE PETROLEUM.
"IF YOU'D BUY BETTER OIL, YOU'D BETTER BUY BOYLE."
YEAH.
HMM.
OH...
[SNAP SNAP]
"THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET
"AS MEEK AND AS MILD AS A LAMB.
"HE SMILED IN HIS TRACKS WHEN THEY SLIPPED HIM THE AX.
HE KNEW HE'D TURN OUT TO BE WHAM."
YEAH. HE KNEW HE'D TURN OUT TO BE WHAM.
IT'S GONE!
I'VE LOST MY TOUCH.
OH, WELL, MAYBE I NEVER HAD A TOUCH. WHO KNOWS?
I CAN'T THINK ANYMORE.
ALL I'VE GOT ON MY MIND
IS A HOUSE WITH AN $18,000 MORTGAGE
AND BILLS AND EXTRAS AND ANTIQUES AND...
OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.
HMM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING HOME TO GET SOME SLEEP,
AND I'D ADVISE YOU TO DO THE SAME.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T-- YOU HAVEN'T--
SUPPOSE I HAVEN'T-- THIS ISN'T THE ONLY JOB IN TOWN!
WHAT WILL I TELL MR. DASCOMB?
OH, JUST TELL HIM TO--
JUST TELL HIM.
Muriel: I'M SORRY JIM ISN'T HERE.
Simms: OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
I WAS ON MY WAY TO TOWN, ANYWAY.
THOUGHT I MIGHT CATCH JIM BEFORE HE LEFT FOR THE OFFICE.
SURE YOU WON'T STAY TO BREAKFAST?
NO, THANKS VERY MUCH ALL THE SAME.
DARLING!
GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
HOW DID IT GO?
FINE, FINE.
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
OH, HELLO, HENRY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP WITH THE MORNING DEW?
JUST DROPPED IN TO CHECK THE BLUEPRINTS.
SOME EXTRAS CAME IN FROM RETCH THIS MORNING
AND THERE ARE A COUPLE THINGS
I THOUGHT WE OUGHT TO GO OVER TOGETHER.
REALLY? WHAT ARE THEY?
WELL, LET'S SEE.
A FEW THINGS HERE THAT ARE ALL RIGHT, I GUESS.
"MORTISING 5 BUTTS,
$1.98."
LET'S NOT QUIBBLE ABOUT IT.
A MAN'S ENTITLED TO MORTISE A FEW BUTTS NOW AND THEN.
"EXTRA HARDWARE, $3.89."
PETTY LARCENY, BUT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT.
NOW, THERE'S ONE HERE THAT, FRANKLY,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HERE WE ARE.
"CHANGES IN CLOSET, $1,247."
DID YOU AUTHORIZE THAT?
WELL, WE PROBABLY TOLD HIM TO--
1,200 AND WHAT?
$47.
"CHANGES IN CLOSET."
THAT'S THE END!
UH--
WHAT'S THIS NOTATION?
"REFER TO DETAIL SHEET 135." WHAT'S THAT?
AS NEAR AS I CAN REMEMBER,
THAT'S SOMETHING IN BACK OF THE HOUSE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
HERE WE ARE.
WELL--
IT ISN'T A CLOSET AT ALL. IT'S--
IT'S OFF THE BACK PANTRY.
MRS. BLANDINGS' LITTLE FLOWER SINK.
OH, MRS. BLANDINGS' LITTLE FLOWER SINK.
YOU DIDN'T AUTHORIZE ANY CHANGES, DID YOU?
WELL, THEY CERTAINLY WEREN'T CHANGES.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.
ALL I DID WAS...
JUST NOTHING AT ALL.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
WELL...
ALL I DID WAS ONE DAY,
I SAW 4 PIECES OF FLAGSTONE
LEFT OVER FROM THE PORCH
THAT WERE JUST GOING TO BE THROWN AWAY
BECAUSE NOBODY WANTED THEM,
AND I ASKED MR. RETCH
IF HE WOULDN'T JUST PUT THEM DOWN
ON THE FLOOR OF THE FLOWER ROOM
AND POKE A LITTLE CEMENT BETWEEN THE CRACKS
AND GIVE ME A NICE STONE FLOOR
WHERE IT MIGHT BE WET WITH FLOWERS AND THINGS.
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY ALL I DID.
THAT'S ALL YOU DID.
ABSOLUTELY.
JUST 4 LITTLE PIECES OF FLAGSTONE.
DID YOU, BY ANY CHANCE, AUTHORIZE A DRAIN?
OF COURSE I DIDN'T!
ALL I SAID WAS THAT I WANTED A NICE, DRY STONE FLOOR.
AND MR. RETCH WAS JUST AS NICE AS HE COULD BE
AND SAID, "WELL, YOU'RE THE DOCTOR,"
AND THAT WAS ALL THAT ANYBODY SAID TO ANYBODY
ABOUT ANYTHING.
OHH...
WELL...
I THINK I CAN TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
FIRST, THE CARPENTERS HAD TO RIP OUT THE FLOORING
THAT WAS ALREADY LAID.
THOSE PLANKS RUN UNDER THE ENTIRE WIDTH OF THE PANTRY.
SO RETCH HAD TO KNOCK OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE PANTRY WALL
TO GET AT THEM. THEN HE HAD TO CHOP OFF
THE TOP OF THE JOISTS UNDER THE FLOWER SINK SPACE
TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE CRADLE.
OH, I GUESS HE GOT SOME IRON STRAPS
AND FASTENED IT INTO A LARGE PAN
TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO HOLD THE CEMENT.
AND THEN, WITH THAT ADDED LOAD ON THE WEAKENED JOISTS,
I'LL BET HE HAD TO PUT A LALLY COLUMN DOWN THERE FOR SUPPORT, TOO.
I'LL BET.
BUT IT WAS JUST FOUR LITTLE FLAGSTONES--
QUIET!
THAT MEANS SOLID PIPE RUNS UNDER THERE AND WALL BRACKETS.
SO RETCH HAD TO GET THE PLUMBER BACK, TAKE OUT A SECTION
SO THAT HE COULD GET THAT CRADLE SET.
AND I'LL BET HE HAD TO CHANGE THE PITCH OF THE SOIL PIPE
FROM ONE END OF THE HOUSE TO THE OTHER.
GOOD MORNING, MR. COLE.
MORNING. MORNING, DEAR. MORNING, JIM.
HELLO, BILL.
AND, OF COURSE, THERE ARE HOT AND COLD WATER PIPES
HOOKED TO THE JOIST RIGHT UNDER THAT PANTRY.
THEY RUN TO THE BATHROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
THE BRIDGE WAS ROPED OFF
AND BILL HAD TO STAY HERE LAST NIGHT.
SLEPT LIKE A ROCK.
...RIPPED OUT ABOUT 60 FEET OF ARMORED CABLE
BETWEEN THE MAIN PANEL
AND THE JUNCTION BOX BY THE OIL BURNER,
INCLUDING THE 220 VOLT CABLE THAT GOES TO THE STOVE.
Gussie: MORNIN', EVERYBODY!
WOW! WHAT A NIGHT!
I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH RAIN IN ALL MY NATURAL LIFE!
GUSSIE SPENT THE NIGHT IN LANSDALE.
I PASSED THE GIRLS OVER AT THE WILLIAMSES.
THEY'LL BE ON ANY MINUTE.
THANK YOU, GUSSIE.
YOU'D BETTER GET BREAKFAST STARTED.
YES'M.
UH...
WHERE WERE WE?
AHEM!
WE WERE AT THE 220 VOLT CABLE THAT GOES TO THE STOVE.
AND, OF COURSE, THERE ARE HOT AND COLD WATER PIPES
HOOKED TO THE JOIST RIGHT UNDER--
JUST A MINUTE. YOU MEAN THE CHILDREN WEREN'T HERE
LAST NIGHT, EITHER?
HOW COULD THEY BE? THE BRIDGE WAS CLOSED.
I JUST CAME ACROSS IT.
IT WAS CLOSED LAST NIGHT!
IT'S OPEN NOW.
WELL, I--IF YOU'LL ALL EXCUSE ME,
I THINK I'LL JUST GO UPSTAIRS
AND SLIP INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.
AHEM. WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT,
EXCEPT THAT RETCH HAD TO REPAIR THE PANTRY WALL.
THAT MEANT GETTING A PLASTER BACK,
AND HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY
HAVE BROKEN THROUGH THAT WALL WITHOUT--
ALL RIGHT, HENRY, ALL RIGHT. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
I'LL ADMIT IT'S A LITTLE STEEP, BUT I'LL, UH,
I'LL TRY AND GET RETCH TO KNOCK $100 OFF THE BILL.
IF I CAN'T GET THAT, I'LL CERTAINLY TRY FOR 75.
FINE.
IF HE DOESN'T GO FOR 75, I'LL MAKE A STAB AT 50.
YOU DO THAT.
ANYHOW, I'M ALMOST SURE WE CAN GET 25.
GOOD DAY.
GOOD-BYE.
DARLING...
YOU'RE UPSET.
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS ON YOUR MIND.
MURIEL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING I'VE GOT ON MY MIND--
THIS HOUSE AND HOW SOON WE CAN GET RID OF IT!
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
MAYBE IT'S NOT.
MAYBE I'M THINKING I WAS ONCE A HAPPY MAN.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CLOSET, I DIDN'T HAVE 3 BATHROOMS,
BUT I DID HAVE MY SANITY, A FEW DOLLARS IN THE BANK,
TWO CHILDREN WHO LOVE ME, AND A WIFE I COULD TRUST.
THAT'S A FINE THING TO SAY!
I ALSO HAD A JOB AT DASCOMB AND BANTON--
SOMETHING I DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE AT THE MOMENT.
JIM!
THAT'S RIGHT, I'VE RESIGNED!
WE'RE STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH,
AND WITHOUT THIS HOUSE!
YOU LOVE THIS HOUSE!
I HATE IT, FROM ITS RABBETTED LINTELS
TO ITS ZUZ-ZUZ WATER SOFTENER.
YOU KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
EVERY WORD OF IT.
ANYBODY WHO BUILDS A HOUSE TODAY IS CRAZY!
THE MINUTE YOU START,
THEY PUT YOU ON THE LIST-- THE ALL-AMERICAN SUCKER LIST.
YOU START OUT TO BUILD A HOME
AND YOU WIND UP IN THE POORHOUSE!
AND IF IT CAN HAPPEN TO ME, WHAT ABOUT THE FELLAS
WHO AREN'T MAKING 15,000 A YEAR?
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS WHO JUST GOT MARRIED
AND WANT A HOME OF THEIR OWN?
IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU!
A CONSPIRACY AGAINST EVERY BOY AND GIRL
WHO WERE EVER IN LOVE!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
MR. BLANDINGS,
THERE'S A MATTER OF $12.36.
$12.36.
WHY BE A PIKER, MR. TESANDER?
HERE! TAKE EVERYTHING I'VE GOT!
SPREAD IT OUT AMONGST YOUR PALS!
PERHAPS RETCH WOULD LIKE A LITTLE SOMETHING.
MAYBE ZUCCA COULD USE MY NEW SMOKING JACKET!
IT'S OPEN HOUSE, MR. TESANDER.
HELP YOURSELF!
NOW, HOLD ON, MR. BLANDINGS.
THIS $12.36, YOU DON'T OWE ME.
I OWE YOU.
WHAT WAS THAT?
YEAH.
FOUND I OVERCHARGED YOU,
ALMOST 3 FEET.
BETTER COUNT IT. THINK IT'S ALL THERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. TESANDER.
WELL...
GUESS I BETTER BE GOING.
YOU SURE GOT A PRETTY PLACE HERE.
TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
OH, UH...
I'LL TELL MR. ZUCCA ABOUT THE SMOKING JACKET.
DARLING, WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO SELL THIS HOUSE?
DON'T KNOW, DEAR.
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE.
IN CASE ANYONE'S INTERESTED,
I'M LEAVING FOR TOWN.
OH, MR. TESANDER!
COULD YOU GIVE ME A LIFT INTO LANSDALE?
YEP.
FINE. I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
IF YOU WANT TO COUNT THE SILVERWARE, I'LL WAIT.
BE PATIENT WITH ME, BILL.
MAYBE ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL GROW UP.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
$12.36.
YOU MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE THIS THING STARTED,
I'VE BEEN THE VOICE OF DOOM
ABOUT THE WHOLE PROJECT.
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,
I'VE BEEN FIRMLY CONVINCED
THAT YOU WERE GETTING FLEECED, BILKED,
ROOKED, FLIMFLAMMED,
AND GENERALLY TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS.
MAYBE YOU WERE.
MAYBE IT COST YOU
A LOT MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD.
MAYBE THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU WISHED
YOU'D NEVER STARTED THE WHOLE THING.
BUT WHEN I LOOK AROUND
AT WHAT YOU TWO HAVE GOT HERE...
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THERE ARE SOME THINGS
YOU SHOULD BUY WITH YOUR HEART
AND NOT YOUR HEAD.
MAYBE THOSE ARE THE THINGS THAT REALLY COUNT.
WELL, SEE YOU AROUND.
BYE, DEAR.
OH...
OH! OH, UNCLE BILL!
[GIRLS TALKING AT ONCE]
I HEARD ALL ABOUT IT! YOU HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT.
YOUR FATHER'S IN THERE. GOOD-BYE!
BYE! BYE!
MORNING, EVERYBODY!
DAD, WHY AREN'T YOU AT THE OFFICE?
HMM? UM, WELL, I'M ON A KIND OF VACATION.
YOU MEAN YOU GOT FIRED?
NO, NOT EXACTLY--
WE'LL DISCUSS IT LATER.
COME AND GET IT, EVERYBODY! BREAKFAST IS READY!
OH, GOOD, I'M STARVING! WHAT ARE WE HAVING, GUSSIE?
ORANGE JUICE, SCRAMBLED EGGS AND YOU-KNOW-WHAT!
HAM?
NOT HAM! WHAM!
IF YOU AIN'T EATIN' WHAM, YOU AIN'T EATIN' HAM!
NOW YOU KIDS GO WASH YOUR HANDS.
MURIEL! DARLING!
GIVE GUSSIE A $10 RAISE!
DROP IN AND SEE US SOMETIME.
YEAH. DO THAT.
---the end---